This entry is dedicated to my lovely baby girl - Kailee - whose not actually a baby, but a three year old! Anyway, this entry is dedicated to her - the one decision I made that was right!

What if when I was in my last semester of high school, I had accepted that Scholarship to the University of Tennessee (UT) and went on to college?

What if I would have went to Middle Tennessee State University (MTSU) after I turned down UT and applied there.

What if in July after graduation when I received my enrollment papers to Austin Peay State University (APSU), I would have just went on in and went to college?

What if I instead of getting a job, taking that one year off from school, and moving in with my boyfriend, I would have just decided to go onto school?

Would I have gotten pregnant? Would Tommy and I still be together? Would I be in Idaho? All this is uncertain to me.

The truth is, when I was offered the opportunities to go to the school of my choice, I turned it down. I didn�t want to move four hours from home and leave my boyfriend behind. So, I decided to apply at MTSU, which was considerably a lot closer. But, when the acceptance came from them, I turned them down as well. Why this time? Not sure really. Guess I was deep down inside a little bit scared to make that big jump. But on the outside I just said I couldn�t afford school then. But then, when I could live at home or where ever I wanted, and still go to APSU, I never went in. I just ignored the enrollment papers, and turned them down to. The truth was at that time I still didn�t have the money for books and tuition, but I could have found a way I�m sure. But by July after graduation, I wanted to just live with my boyfriend and in my fantasy world that everyone was great. The truth was everything wasn�t great.

But then Tommy and I broke up and it was supposed to be for good. Actually the day I moved out of his house, we said our goodbyes, and I guess agreed that we were not speaking to each other again. Ever.

Two days later, I had a doctor�s appointment with the good ole� gyno. I was only there for a follow up appointment for a kidney infection I had two weeks earlier. She decided to do a routine pregnancy test for me because I was getting a whole year�s prescription for Birth Control. I can�t figure out why I went ahead and said �Sure give me the birth control� because it wasn�t like I would be sleeping with anyone anymore. Tommy and I were over. But just incase I guess. After doing a routine pregnancy test the doctor came back and informed me that I wouldn�t be getting any birth control. I was pregnant. Of course, Tommy and I had had many false alarms through out the past year, and in fact I had miscarried a baby back in March. However, this time, I had the feeling that this time I wouldn�t miscarry, and it wouldn�t be a false alarm.

So then the question�do I keep the baby? Of course I would never have an abortion. That is not the option for someone who just fucks up in my opinion. So, I was left with deciding if I should keep the baby or give it up for adoption. I didn�t know what to do.

When I finally got up the courage to tell all my family, everyone wanted me to give the baby up for adoption. I actually considered it. I went to an agency, talked with a lady and decided that adoption would be best. I had a couple sets of parents to interview and decide who would be the lucky ones to get my baby.

However, when I went to find out the sex of the baby, I decided against adoption. I wrestled for days about what to do, but I decided I wanted to keep this baby. No one around me could understand, but how could they? This baby wasn�t apart of their body.

So, now I wonder, what if I had given her up for adoption? UGH - I shudder to think. Kailee belongs with me, I am sure of that now. But I don�t understand how I became so lucky as to be blessed with this little gift.

I never had looked back at the past and wondered the �what if� questions. Maybe it�s good that I�m doing this. But the truth is there has not been a day in my life since having Kailee that I regretted my decision. People say all the time to me, �you�re so young, and you missed out on such an important part of your life!�. But important to who? I am happy and always have been since making the decision to have her. Why can�t that be such an important part of my life? Why does going to college and partying and being young and stupid have to be so important to me? Why can�t just being a mother be the best thing for me in everyone else�s eyes? Sure, there are days when I�m going nuts and want to pull out my hair because Kailee is driving me crazy, but that�s normal. Doesn�t mean I am not any less happier and prouder to be her mother.

Truth is that I don�t regret my decisions in life. I know that getting pregnant at the age of 18 was not what everyone around me thought was �right�. I know that having a baby out of wedlock was not morally right in most people�s eyes. But why does that matter. I made my decision to have sex early, and out of marriage, and so I had to take the responsibilities. And I have. Ever since I was pregnant, I got a job, kept a job, and did what it took to care for my child. So why is everyone else feeling sorry for me if I don�t feel sorry for myself? I made my bed, I had to lay in it.

I only want the world to know that I am happy and do not regret not going through those �college� years that are supposed to be the best years of your life. Yes, I miss doing things that I could be doing had I not gotten pregnant, such as Marching Band, softball, and whatever else, but I look at Kailee and I think that she is so much better than all those things combined. I am in college right now, no I don�t go to a traditional college, I go to school online, but I am still getting a degree none the less. And I will have all the opportunities the same if I had gone to college right out of high school. So no regrets people. I am happy. I love my life. (Except the living in Idaho part!)

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