I swear I was going to bed. I was turning off lights, had my computer shut down, and everything. But I need to write. I don't have anyone to talk to at 4 AM and I think I have too much pride to talk to anyone anyway, so I'll do what this diary is for, and express my mixed up emotions right here.

I was on my way to bed, as I said before, and as always, I peeked in on Kailee. She's such a doll. Anyway, I turned on the light, took one look at her, and started to weep. Not just cry. Weep.

My problem? I don't know. I just walked to the bed, and looked at her as I stood there an emotional basket case. She was all scrunched up in the fetal position, holding Rover (a stuffed Puppy her Nana bought her when she was in the hospital last summer). And for some reason I continued to weep. I finally layed on the side of the bed and just held her. And I thanked GOD for her life and ours.

I know what it is. I'm reading too much about the aftermath of Katrina, I'm watching too much, and I honestly can't stop thinking about it. I went to Bindyree's site to read her update. And she was talking about at LiveJournal blogger from New Orleans, and his stories. I went to his site and read everything. His situation is very upsetting too. He had more local sotries to tell of the devastation, and he doesn't know if his house and everything in it gone, and if his loved ones are even alive. One of the many many stories like this.

I realized earlier today, and shoot me for not remembering this earlier, but I realized earlier today that a friend here is from New Orleans. Grew up there. SHIT! I couldn't believe I hadn't called him or just walked to his house as he lives like three feet from me, to ask him if he knew anything about his family or whatever. He was Air Force and got out last year, his wife is still in, and she's on deployment, so he's alone with thier child right now. Fuck me for not talking to him sooner! I called him today. I felt like such an ass, but I did. He's not quite sure the situation with his parents and the rest of his huge family down there. He has only talked to an Aunt and Uncle, who evacuated Saturday, and no one has heard from his parents, although he does know that they were attempting to leave Sunday. He said they just probably didn't understand how bad this was, although they lived through Camille, and they didn't leave soon enough. He has hope that they got out, having lived thier entire lives there, they know all the alternate routes. The plan was for all the family to head west into Texas, and he can only get ahold of one Aunt and Uncle. He actually just got back from Texas where he stayed for two months with his wife's family, and he didn't drive on out to see his family in New Orleans. He now wishes so badly he had gone, because he may never see the city again, because it will never be the same again he said. He said that his neighborhood, and richer part of the city, but just as old, is under water, from what he could tell. He seemed in high spirits, but I've never seen him upset about anything, and I've known him almost 2 years. However, I think he's in a state of shock and terror that he may have lost a lot of his family. His wife is due to return within the next week, she doesn't know about all this yet, as they are enroute back to this base and he hasn't talked with her since the weekend. So he also has to tell her. Please keep him and his family in your thoughs and prayers, if you pray.

Secondly, I may have mentioned this before, but I recap in case I didn't. I used to work for a funeral home in Tennesssee. Right after Kailee was born, but a while before I married her father and moved here. (By the way, I was only an assistant, I didn't do the weird stuff) But anyway, this funeral home was owned by a company called Stewart Enterprises, which is based in New Orleans. Not only do they own and operate many Nasvhille area funeral home and cemeteries, they own and operate many in the deep south, all over Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia. And that doesn't include the ones in New Orleans. Which I was told was well over half the cities funeral homes and cemeteries. Anyway, they were right smack dab in the downtown area of New Orleans. So after working there for a year, I came to know, personally and over the phone, many of the employees there. Because they operated us, we had to do daily business with them. The sales manager of my division, Brenna, I admired here so much and aspired to be like her one day. And there were many others that I grew to love. They were all such nice people there. So, before the disaster, I started wondering if they were all going to leave or ride it out. Some of them like many others had spent thier whole lives there and grew up there, and I'm sure some of them thought they could just ride it out. After the way I felt today, I was still wondering about all those great business associates of mine, and the wonderful company I worked for. So, I got out my old address book and started making calls. I called an old friend I worked with at the Funeral Home, and she said the place is in complete panic. The funeral home I worked for, and the others in the area that the company owned do 90% of thier business through the corporate office in New Orleans. She was glad to hear from me, and so very glad that after these years, I had called in concern for the company and the people I knew there. Hell, I got family burried in that same Cemetery that I worked at. I have ties to that place, and I loved that job and the people I worked with. But anyway back to the point. She told me the funeral homes are all in panic, and having a very hard time doing business right now. The mood there is so grim, and depressing. (Usually us funeral home workers don't get down much, considering the business, we were all like a family) They have no network to process burials and funerals, so they are doing it manually. They won't get paid this week because corporate can't process checks, obviously. And they have only talked to a select few from the company, mostly the upper ups of the company that left the city. And what she was told from them was not good news. Apparently a lot of employees have not been heard of since before the storm, even though after the evacuation order came down, all supervisors called thier employees and told them to leave because well, they wouldn't be working for a while. The people that correspond with each other from Nashville to New Orleans offices have told her that they don't know about thier families or their homes, and are probably not going to return back there for months. Those are the few that actually left. My old friend at the funeral home sounded disoriented. Stressed, and in a complete state of shock. And being the type of person she is, I doubt she's getting much sleep either. She worries too much. So, let's keep my old company, the employees, thier families in your thoughts and prayers too.

Just some more stuff on my mind tonight/this morning, as I was trying to head to bed but I couldn't. These last few entries have to be the longest I've EVER written and I'm sorry to have kept on and on forever about this hurricane aftermath. But honestly, I'm in complete shock now, and just don't know what to think or do. Tomorrow/Today is payday, and even though we have little money to spare, I'm going to donate to the red cross. Right now it's all I can do, and I wish I could do so much more. But I know I can't living almost 3,000 miles away from the situation, but I honestly think that if I was living back home in Nashville, I'd be riding down there with the Red Cross to help.

Now I need closure, but that won't come for me until this is starting to look up for everyone down there. I know it doesn't directly affect me, but like I stated before, I'm so emotional, and so envolved in everything that goes on around me. I find it so hard to enjoy life right now. Even the funniest quiz thingy can't make me laugh. And even playing Pogo wouldn't take my mind off of it. I just don't know.

Tomorrow/Today, I'm going to take a walk with Kailee. The fucking maintence people are finally coming to fix our whistle pig problem in our back yard, and I'll need to not be here while that happens because they will be out there tyring to lure the whistle pigs out and you know, they'll kill them. Ugh gross. While I hate these things, and I'm gald when our dog eats them, I still can't stand to see someone kill them, I can't stand to see anyone upset right now. Let alone see something die. Anything. Even if it's a nasty varmet like a whistle pig. So Kailee and I will take a walk around base, with the dog, and we'll go swimming in the afternoon. So hopefully I can try to go on with life. Becuase I know for the sake of my child and my sanity I will have to.

Again I ask the question, do I feel bad for these people, or sorry for myself, or what? I just don't know anymore.

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