So I'm going through something right now, and if you read my previous entry then you already know. But I'm going through something. I have no idea what it is. I am over being scared of what it is, I can handle whatever the problem. I just want to figure out the problem, so I can get through the problem, and get past the problem. I have 10 gazillion things going through my mind almost constantly. I'm trying to figure out what is making me so upset. A couple of possibilities....
1. Moving, am I scared? If so, why am I scared? Because it's a new city?
2. My husband is gone. Am I subconsciencly more upset about this than I think? He's not in danger. Thank the stars he's not fighting in Iraq, he's just off for training. I shouldn't be that upset about this.
3. Three weeks ago, I returned to Idaho from home, Tennessee. Am I subconsciencly more upset than I think I am about this one too? I mean I got to spend an amazing 2 months there. I should be grateful and thankful for that. Who knows.

And then....tonight, I think I found some part of the root of the problem. I have to go back in time just a little bit so that you can understand what tonight's events actually mean...so bare with me, but it'll come around in the end and make sense....

To start off, I'm sure many will remember that my Husband and I had made great friends with a guy he worked with and this guy's wife. The Wife and I, we'll call her R., we became VERY close. The guy and my husband hit it off great too, and became close as well. Thus, resulting in the four, well actually five of us including Kailee, becoming very close. This happened in December of 2004. This also made me very happy to finally have some friends around, to finally have people we trusted.

For months, the 4 of us hung out almost every single night of the week. They were our family here in Idaho. There were some arguements here and there, and some problems we had to overcome, but in the end, we still managed to end it on a good note and return to being like family. Months and months go by, and life is usual.

Now we're up to a little more recent, back in early Feburary, when the Guy, R. and myself all went Skiing together for the first time. It was a great time, HOWEVER, it's when the bullshit started. I noticed that R. was not as interested in coming over like she used to. I would invited her over for all kinds of things, dinner, scrapbooking, movies, etc. She'd give me every excuse in the book as to why she couldn't come over. Her husband, The Guy, was still very much a part of our lives, but R. was steadily shutting me out, and I knew it.

Two weeks go by, and I do not hear from her. Of course her husband still over our house a lot, hanging out or whatever, but she doesn't make any effort to contact me, until one day, she calls me for a ride home from work. Well, I was more than a little pissed about this. Two weeks without a returned phone call, and she calls me only for a ride home. Fuck that. I confronted her on the way to her house. I explained to her that I felt she only called me when she needed or wanted something from me. And I wasn't to be taken advantage of any more. She simply said, "ok" and got out of the car.

So moving on....a couple days later she calls and asks me if I was upset with her still, and I honestly tell her yes a little. She tells me how sorry she is and that she's been going through some stuff, and she wanted to come over after work. So I figure, ok bitch, you got one more chance to be my friend, screw it up, and you're out. At this point, I had only been attempting to hang on to the friendship for my husband's sake, because I knew if I ended it with her, she'd make sure her husband was no longer allowed to be my husband's friend. And it's so hard for my husband to find someone that he likes to be around, much less a close or "best" friend if you will. So...a few days later, I won a free Skiing pass to the local Ski Resort here, and I decided on taking her. We ended up having a great time together...and I thought maybe, JUST MAYBE, things would go back to the way they were. BOY WAS I WRONG. That weekend came, and I had asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner or something, and she declined telling me she didn't feel good. Well, I spotted her that same night at Wal-mart with another girl. Now, I'm not the type to say you can't be friends with someone else if you're my friend, that's just stupid. But I am the type to get pissed when you LIE to me about feeling sick, and then I see you with out with someone else. So of course naturally I was hurt.

I didn't call her. I didn't say anything about it. Until two days later she calls me to tell me she's pregnant. Now, I will admit that I totally should not have approached my hurt feelings in the way that I did. But when she called me all excited about being pregnant when you were just telling me one week earlier that you have no money, and no running car, and your husband blows the entire paycheck on car parts two days after getting paid, and on top of that, you are not the maturest person in the world....well, I could not return the excited feelings. I held my tongue all day about it. Then she calls again, and starts yelling at me. "Why are you not excited for me?!" I just sat there, let her yell, and then finally couldn't take it anymore and replied with the worse thing ever, "Because you don't need a baby, and you aren't responsible enough to have one, that's why I'm not excited". I. Know. That was wrong.

I felt like total shit. Really and honestly I just felt like a big peice of ass, and I wanted to crawl in a hole. I took my anger out in the wrong way on her. I should've been happy for her. In fact, I was happy for her. But I was pissed at her for lying to me, blowing me off, and ignoring me, and I couldn't be happy for her at that moment. I went to her house in person to apologize, because I figured things like that should be said in person. I became humble in that moment, and admitted how very wrong I was and I didn't mention all my hurt feelings from before. She accepted my apology. Her husband did as well. And for a week or so things went back to normal.

But then the shit storm happened. Her husband started lying to my husband about all sorts of things. He wouldn't come over any more. Needless to say she didn't either. And when confronted, her husband blamed it all on her. Which I belive. She is a manipulitive brat, who would never let her husband out of her sight. So I figured if she didn't want him here, he wouldn't be here. And my fear was realized. Our friendship was over. I noticed her always hanging out with the other girl, who is now her best friend as she says. And slowly and slowly, her husband kept lying to my husband until my husband told him to get his shit out of our house and go away. (They used to jam in our garage together). They made up of course. Guys tend to forgive and forget much easier than women do. But things weren't the same between my husband and The Guy.

So, that was that. When I returned from my trip home, my husband told me about the last time he had called her husband for a favor. My husband was sick and needed a ride to Wal-mart for medicine. R. lied to my husband, then her husband lied, then thier other friend got involved with it, and my husband saw right through it, and told me that was the end of his friendship.

Now, thier baby is due in two weeks. And on Myspace she updates about thier situation a lot. I find myself reading it all the time, though I say to myself I don't care about her. I don't want to care about her, but the truth is I know that I do. And tonight, I took my Kailee to the Base Haunted House, which my husband's squadron sponsers. In fact, last year I worked the haunted house with The Guy and R. This year I was asked to help, but I couldn't seeing as my husband is away and I don't have anyone that could watch Kailee every Friday and Saturday night. Anyhow, I took Kailee to the Haunted House because she begged me to go, and also thinking that because R. is so close to giving birth, The Guy wouldn't be working it. Well, I was wrong. We were walking through one of the hallways, and somebody jumped out and scared the shit outta us. Then he said our names. And I turned around and said "Who are you" and he replied with "It's The Guy". Duh. I should have known. I then told Kailee to stop screaming it was just The Guy, and she went up to him to hug him as I was starting to ask "How's R. doing", and he turned and walked away. He didn't even give Kailee the time of day. Nor me for that matter.

Now through all the bullshit, The Guy has NEVER treated me coldly, not even once. The coldness I got from him tonight was sort of hurtful. I couldn't believe it. What's worse is how much Kailee loved these two people, and how he treated her.

Now, coming round full circle, I'm sitting here on my computer about an hour ago, trying to play some Pogo and enjoy myself, but I just couldn't. I sat asking myself "what's your problem" but I couldn't figure it out. But something makes me believe that The Guy and R. have something to do with my "issue" right now, and whatever it is that I'm going through. The fact is, I do miss them. I miss the fun we used to have together, and this time of year reminds me of the things we used to do with them, and all the long nights of scrapbooking with R., or jamming in the garage with The Guy and my Husband, and the 6 hour poker games we used to have. And I guess, I'm sad, because that is over and will never be again. Something I have put the blame on myself for. Part of it is because I LET her use me for so long that I lashed out in a bad way, and the other part is that I lashed out in a bad way. There isn't anything I can do to change all of this, and I don't think I would if I could. I don't need another humility trip because of them. But the fact still remains that I'm lonely right now. And I miss them. And I think I'm mad at myself for missing them.

So, there you have it. I did as I was told to do, I wrote it all out. And in some way I think I feel a little bit better knowing what some of my problem is. But I'm still depressed.

So, that's it for tonight, I'm out.

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