I am actually going to turn in early tonight. I promised Kailee I would take her to school tomorrow, so I have to do it! She seems to not be as sick as she was last night. I�m thankful for that.

I am so frustrated with myself at the moment. I have been half trying to drop about 20 pounds for the last�umm�let�s see, year now! It is not working. I do not think I have the self motivation that I need. Plus, when I get told that I�m fat, and I get told that I�m lazy all the damn time, then it just makes me feel worse. I do not care if I�m beautiful, I just do not want to be chubby anymore. I�m sick and tired of seeing girls all the time and wishing I had their bodies. It�s sickening. I have decided to take action. I have access to a small workout room, and I will workout. Since I hate working out so much, I will award myself with swimming and yoga afterwards. Because I generally do not eat that much throughout the course of the day, there is really nothing to change there except that I should probably lower my fat intake. So, I will do that, and award myself with something good at the end of the week. Something has to change because I can not stand to be chubby any longer. It is not to please society or even my husband; it is because I want to better myself for myself. I guess that means I should stop smoking as well huh? Let�s just take it one step at a time though. Lose the weight, and then maybe I�ll quit smoking.

I have one other thing on my mind. I am so excited to say that I have a new friend. *Laughing* that sounded so cheesy. However, I do. She goes by the name of Espher. She�s an awesome girl. She�s had a rough life, however, she seems to have a strong will, and seems to be very happy with herself at the moment. I feel like I�ve known her for years. I connect with her, and we get each other. Funny too because we�ve only known each other about a week. The crazy thing is that we are so much alike in our opinions and our beliefs. All this sounds great I�m sure, and I should be happy. But I�m not. I�m worried. It seems that every time I get too close to someone, and happy, I get stabbed in the back. I have had many close friends that I adored. However, many of them have just torn me down, and hurt me. If not by using me just completely shutting me off. My most recent instance with this is my best friend of three and a half years, Amber. We met right after Kailee was born, and I grew to love her. She was awesome to be around, and we had so much fun together. We were neighbors, so naturally we spent all our time together. We had been through so much shit together too. The great thing was, we never had many arguments or falling outs. We never seemed to have problems with each other. We were just so comfortable with each other. Even after I moved here to Idaho, we seemed to be so freaking close. However a lot of that changed this past spring. She started dating a new guy, and my opinion of him used to be high. He does treat her well. It seemed to me that after they started dating, she had less and less time for me. Upon my journey back home to Tennessee, we were inseparable for a while when I first got there. However, it became less and less that she would hang out with me or even just call. Finally she stopped calling, stopped returning my phone calls, and then she started standing me up or blowing me off. I was devastated. I do not think that she to this day understands the heartbreak I have endured from that. She meant so much to me, and I feel like now she wants nothing to do with me and she�s stuck up her boyfriend�s ass. I do feel that maybe her boyfriend has a lot to do with that too. I don�t think he cared for me too much, and he has influenced her not to be my friend any longer. Whatever the reason, I really don�t care anymore. I have gotten over it, I think. Maybe I haven�t. So what! I can be pissed off all I want to; I was used and trampled on by her. Fuck her! Whew, wow, that felt good to get that out. Anyway, on to more positive things. My new friend seems to be more of a better person than that. I do not think she would use me at all. And she seems to want us to spend more time together. I hope that is the case. I need a friend more than anything else here in Idaho. I have wanted to get pregnant for a while, but I think that is to fill the void of having female companionship. Maybe just maybe, this friendship will last and be fun, exciting, good, and fulfilling. For the last three nights we have chatted online with each other for hours. It�s been fun, and we have come to know each other better as well. So, I can only hope that I don�t get my heart trampled on again.

I once shared the following with Amber, a song we both loved, and related to, this is for you my dear Amber � goodbye.

�Say hello to the shrinking in your head

You can't see it but you know its there so don't neglect it� � APC - The Nurse Who Loved Me

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