This is just not my day. I am fucking pissed off at the world.

First of all, I love my daughter. My sweet baby girl, but OH MY GOD, why does she have to piss me off so much?!?! Today it was like some demon child took over my baby. She was screaming at me, throwing things, getting into whatever she could. I was like holy shit, what the hell happened to my child?! But, I guess that�s just the way three year olds can be. But what a huge slap in the face!

Second, home comes Tommy. OMG, as if I don�t have enough things pissing me off right now, he has to add to it. He comes home bitching. I guess he had a right to bitch, but it was like damn, I need a fucking break. We got into a big fight and feelings got hurt. That�s all I�m gonna say about that.

So, I take my Kailee to daycare for the evening, getting a much needed break. I decide I want to go swim some laps at our pool, and I�ll be damned if the fucking gate isn�t locked! The pool hours are 10:00 AM to 10:00 PM. It�s only 8:30 PM DAMIT! What the fuck? I hate that. Now, I�ve jumped the gate before, and I would do it now, but it�s still very much daylight here. So, I don�t wanna get in trouble, so I figure I will go some other time. But swimming is like therapy for me. It refreshed my body, and makes every thing seem so much better! I needed a good swim. Oh well, like I said, this just isn�t my fucking day.

Earlier today as I was cleaning my house, I turned on the radio to a station that plays some okay music. Here in Boise, there is no alternative rock station � that�s how sad this damn place is � so I have to listen to whatever I can find. So, this station starts playing some Kelley Clarkson song, that I only know because my three sisters are obsessed with the girl. Mind you, I hate music like that! Anyway, this song reminded me of my sisters, and how much fun I used to have playing around with them. They like to do stuff like put on pretend concerts in the living room and shit like that. I miss those days so very much. This song made me cry! I was like what the fuck? I do miss my sisters so much. Even though they are young, I have this bond with them. I love taking them places, and hanging out with them because I just let myself go, and let the inner child in me come out. But I really miss my 12 year old sister, Jessica, the most. We used to do so much together. I let her be whoever she wants to be around me, which my father will not allow. But I let her bitch and complain all she wants, and I let her be as grown up as she wants, and wear makeup and paint her fingernails, and while I�m letting her do this stuff, I come to realize that wow, she really looks up to me. She admires me, and that�s a scary thought! HAHA!! But I miss just being with her. And it sucks because I am 2,000 freaking miles away from her (and the rest of my family) and I can�t do anything about it. I�m stuck here in hell, listening to gay ass music and crying! Oh my GOD, I�m so sad.

Well, I think that�s enough bitching for the moment. I guess I should do something constructive like my school work. But I�m sure that something else fucked up will happen by the end of the night. It seems that this is my luck lately. So, I think I�ll just dig a hole and burry myself in it! So I bid this entry farewell with some lyrics. They just sort of explain how I feel about some things in my life right now.

�Rest your trigger on my finger

bang my head upon the fault line

You better take care not to make me enter

if i do we both may disappear

but your pushing me

and i'm shoving you

and your pushing me

and i'm shoving you

you still love me

you still love me

and we�re pushing and we�re shoving

and i'm pushing as your shoving

And i'm slipping back into the gap again

i feel alive when you touch me.

i feel alive when you hold me.....down�

Maynard James Keenan of Tool

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