So, yesterday, it started out to be another shitty day for me. Tommy and I got into another fight. I honestly, can�t remember why the fuck we were fighting this time. That�s how things seem to be with us. We argue about something so totally stupid, and then�it blows up to be something so totally huge. But, nonetheless, we made up and are okay now. {Make up sex is the best!!}

So, after making up with Tommy, I sewed myself to my computer so that I could finish my homework for the week in college. My assignments are due every Saturday night by midnight. I always start them early in the week. But I never seem to finish them completely till on Saturday, and I�m always rushing frantically trying to finish them. So, I rushed through my homework Saturday afternoon and got all but one assignment complete. We�re coming up on the last week of class too! This makes me happy, I have hated this term. And then I get a one week break! WHOO HOO!

Okay, then last night Espher and Sean came over. This had been planned for a few days! I was so excited because I love to get drunk and shit and have a good time with some friends. And therefore we did. We got so totally fucked up (me and Espher). It was awesome. I was pretty out of it for a while, and some parts of the night are still a blur to me. We went swimming again, and that was awesome! The water feels so good to me whenever I�m fucked up. We also went skinny dipping. However, I was only naked for a few minutes. But wow, did the water feel awesome naked! So, after we came back from swimming, everyone ran to the house because it was freezing cold here last night! What the fuck, I mean, in the middle of the desert, during August, one would think it would be fucking hot as hell! But anyways, everyone hurried to get clothes on; actually I seemed to be the only one. It was fucking hilarious; Sean completely took all of his clothes off and danced in front of our sliding glass door. Anyone that was outside had a very clear view of his genitals! HA! So, of course, Tommy stripped down too, and then so did Espher! It was funny. But unfortunatly, I did NOT! I do not have a pretty body at all, and I did not feel like being naked. Everyone thought I was upset because they were naked, but that was not the case. I think it�s great if people are comfortable enough to be naked around each other. I mean that is the way we�re supposed to be. But I just am not. And it got me thinking that if I�m not comfortable about myself, then I really need to change myself. I mean, I think the main reason is because I�m chubby. I don�t like being chubby. I just want to be pretty, and girly I guess. I don�t feel like I�m a pretty girl at all. I try to dress nice, and I try to look nice, but it never seems to work. I always feel that I�m just kind of like a boy I guess. And I really want Tommy to thinks he has a pretty wife. And I think that is the reason that I couldn�t get undressed in front of people. He sometimes makes me feel like I�m so nasty. He will look at my stomach and go �Oh my god�. That makes me feel so nasty and fat. So, it�s like what am I to do? I know that I will never be skinny, and that is not what I want. But can I make myself be pretty and feminine? I hope. Because I don�t like the way I am. So I�m gonna attempt to change it.

Well, I actually fell asleep tonight around 8:30. However, Tommy woke me up out of a dead sleep, and I couldn�t go back to sleep. So, I signed online and found that my dear friend is having trouble. I feel horrible for her. She�s in the same boat as me � stranded. Usually people when they are unhappy with something in their life, more particular their boyfriends, husbands, fianc�es, whatever, they can go somewhere; they can go to a friends house, or home to their mom�s house or something. However, we are not that lucky. We are fucking stranded in IDAHO (fucking hell) and can�t go anywhere. SO, now that me and Eshper have each other, I think its best that we go to each other. She would never ask me to come be with her, but I sense that she needs a friend right now. So, I am going to go to base and hang out with her until I�m sure that she�s feeling better about herself, and her relationship. Fucking men! Why the hell do they bring us down so fucking much? We give them everything we have and then some, but for some damn reason, they just have to degrade us! I�m sick of it. Okay, so before I get on another fucking rave, I better go. Farewell.

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