Today is actually still October 3rd for me. I have not gone to bed yet.

So, today is 10/03/2004. I want the world to know, that 5 years ago today, I lost my virginity. That is right people, I have been having sex for five years now! It seems so strange to me that five years ago, I was this little goody goody girl and that my husband changed me forever. WOW.

So, this being the anniversary of our first time ever and first time together, my husband and I were up late last night talking. We started talking about sex, about high school, about what if's and the people we hated. For those of you that are new, my husband and I are high school sweethearts. Check my archives for the one about how we came to be.

It was nice talking with my husband last night or early this morning, it actually felt like he was listening to me and cared about what I had to say. Anywho, it was nice. After making love to celebrate our "first time" anniversary, we passed completely out.

But today held a different mood for us. We began to fight again. I can't really even remember why this time. But we argued, said things to each other that we didn't mean, and then hardly spoke for the rest of the night. Everytime, I blame myself. If I didn't nag him, or if I just let an issue go, this would have never happened. But the thing is, somethings are too important to me to just let go. I don't like to be called names, and I don't like to be made fun of. And I honestly feel that sometimes my husband thinks the things he says to me are okay. One day I hope that he will just see it from my point of view. One day, just maybe.

"I am Starla's point of view."
"It makes me sad when I get put down, and when I get called names like, whore, bitch, slut, fat, and lazy. It makes me sad when he does not act like he cares. It makes me said when he shruggs his shoulders at the things that I say, and when he does not listen."
"However, I love when he comes from behind me and wraps his arms around me. I love when he bites me, even though I pretend to hate it. I love when he secretly reads my journal to see how I am. I love when he talks about things that are so important to him and he is so serious about them. I love to play video games with him. I love to watch movies, DVDs, and T.V. with him. I love to listen to music with him, and I love it when he sings to me."
"But it makes me so upset when I can't get my point across to him, and it makes me so upset when he thinks he's right, but won't just give me a second thought. It just upsets me so."

Tonight, I decided that I need to make things change in my relationship with him. I should try to be more open about my feelings because when I am upset, I usually shut the feelings away due to the fact that I do not think he cares. But I want to tell him, but I don't want to nag him. I love him, and I only want his love back. I just really want him to understand that.

"I am Starla's mixed up thoughts"

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