Mother Fuck! My life has taken a downward spiral. What the fuck? I am always so up beat, happy, trying to make the best out of the shit hole world around me. But now, nope, I�m on that spiral. I haven�t been this way in over a year, maybe longer. Even when I�m sad, I�m still happy in some sort of way. Ever since I had my little girl, I have been that way. When something was bothering me, I didn�t give a damn, just kept on going with a smile on my face. I can�t really say why either. I guess the last time depression hit me hard was right about the time my baby was 2 months old and I was having that post giving birth depression thing. I went on Zoloft, and then on Well-butrin, but stopped taking both after only a month. What got me out of that depression? Well, I was feeding my baby, (still by the breast FYI), and I was watching how wonderful she was and how absolutely amazing she was. Right then and there I decided there was no reason for me to be depressed what so ever. I decided that even when things were going badly, I had to pick myself up because I had a baby to care for. I was a mommy and mommies aren�t allowed to be depressed. That is what I was saying. But now, nothing can make the depression go away, nothing, not even Kailee, and that is what scares me.

I haven�t been this way since my now husband, at the time baby�s daddy, fuck buddy, whatever you wanna call it, told me that he was in love with another girl and he was over me. That was when I was pregnant with Kailee. I went to total hell and back before I was better. And those events with the baby�s daddy lasted almost the entire time I was pregnant. What the fuck ya know? How fucked up was that shit? But whatever, I got over that somehow. But now, I just can�t pull myself out of it. I mean, I�m happy for a moment, but then I immediately go right back into the hole after only a minute or so. It sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks. I hate it.

What has gotten me this way? Change maybe. We moved into our house on base three weeks ago, and quite possibly it is the change from that that started the downward turn in the first place. It didn�t help that my husband and I were fighting for about the first week we were here. And I don�t mean disagreements, I mean awful fights with hurting words, and divorce being thrown around like it�s money. However, in the last week maybe two he has gotten better and so have I. We made the best out of our time before he left for his temporary duty assignment in �Sin� city. Maybe that is why I�m depressed because I�m here alone, and he is there. Or, maybe it is what I fear it is and that is that I miss my old life.

A little about my old life

Well, I don�t mean my old life in terms of who I was in high school. Honestly I hated high school, and I really don�t miss it, just band and softball. I don�t even miss my friends seeing as I haven�t spoken to any of them since 2002 except for one girl. Anywho, I am talking about my old life, before I got engaged to my baby�s daddy, and when I lived alone and had my own shit. Yes, those times were hard, but they were still great.

In 2001, in May, I went to work for a funeral home as an administrative assistant. I loved that job! Yes, working at a funeral home was creepy at first, but I got used to the dead bodies all around after a while. HA! The only time it was a little creepy was in the winter when the days were short, and I wouldn�t get off until dark. Then it was creepy to walk out in the parking lot because the cemetery was right beside it. Cemeteries creep me out at night. Anyway, after a year there, no raises at all and two changes in management, I decided to find work elsewhere. I went to work for a Medical Association in Tennessee, making $28,000 a year. Mind you that is more than what my husband makes in the military! Anyway, needless to say, I was doing awesome. I had lots of money, and everything I wanted. But, in July, I was laid off due to cutbacks, probably due to the Bush Administration and 9/11. (Hence, this is where part of my hatred for Bush and his yuppies in Washington comes from.) After being laid off, I could not find work anywhere in the business field and after a month of being unemployed I took a waitressing job at Ruby Tuesday�s. At first I hated the shit. But after a few weeks there, I made lots of friends, and was allowed to train in bartending, and then I started having lots of fun. I wasn�t making $28,000 a year, but I was making decent money, and I felt young again. I felt my age again, not 30 and living in an �Office Space� world. So, it was great. I also had my ex-best friend Amber right at my side and we were inseparable. (For more about why Amber is my ex-best friend, click HERE But those times were the best times ever. I had fun at work, I loved my job, I had loads of friends, and I had freedom. Now, it�s not that I don�t love my husband, and not even that I don�t love being married, but sometimes I would just love to be able to go and do as I please without being worried about what he�s gonna say and think. And I think because it was this time of the year, 2 years ago, that I started working there, and it was all through the holidays that I was having the best time of my life, that maybe that is why I am so depressed. I think if I were living back home, I might not have this problem. Maybe I still would, but living in Idaho (Ida-hell) sure doesn�t help matters at all. I only have one close friend, and another girl that I see and hang out with maybe once a month. Amber and I have completely stopped being friends all together, and mostly I just miss home and my family. That, and because I�m so depressed, I can NOT seem to lose weight no matter how much exercising and dieting I try because I�m so depressed that I just stop caring about it, and I quit. Just what the fuck am I suppose to do to get out of this shit?

On a lighter note, I have been filling my time with lots of movie watching, which is what I do when I�m alone and depressed. Last year when my hubby left for Basic Training, I rented three movies a day! So, since Friday, I have rented 10 movies. WOW! Granted one of them was for my baby, but the other 9 were for me. I have three checked out from Netflix and the rest from Movie Gallery. So, I would like to maybe help myself cheer up a bit, and review these movies for you.

First movie, Man on Fire
3 Stars (On a 5 point scale)
I must say that at first, this movie is a little slow. Not only that, it drags out certain scenes that could have been cut back a bit. It is nice to watch a movie with some details about every situation; however, these scenes were just a tad too long. However, the movie itself was really good. And the acting was pretty good. And the cinematography was really good as well. The story is about a bodyguard, Denzel Washington, who is hired to guard a little girl for a rich family in Mexico City. The girl gets kidnapped, and Denzel goes on this rampage of revenge after hearing about her death. The movie had great murder scenes in it and some of them disturbed me a tad bit. And the ending had a great twist at the end. The damned movie made me cry at least twice.

Second Move: Saved!
4 � Stars
This movie is a must see for absolutely everyone in the world. Not only is it funny, but it has the best message I have seen about religion in I don�t know how many years. The movie goes at a really good pace, keeping you wanting to know more, and the actors are absolutely perfect for this role. Yes, Mandy Moore is in it, but she plays her role so freaking well, you forget it�s her. The movie is a dark comedy about a group of kids at a strict Baptist Christian School. One girl�s boyfriend tells her he�s gay, and in an attempt to save him, she induces sex with him. She becomes pregnant, and then starts questioning her faith. I could not have loved this movie more! Only 4 � stars because there was a little too much �Praise Jesus� talk for me. But, hey, what the fuck, it was making fun of all that shit, so what the hell, how about a whole 5 stars?!

Third Movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5 Stars
This movie has to be the best movie for the mind that I have seen in quite a long time. Jim Carrey, plays a character that has a great relationship and then a break up, and then finds out that his ex-girlfriend, Kate Winslet, has had a procedure to erase her from him memory. The movie is absolutely great. I cried at least 6 times if not more.

Forth Movie: : Taking Lives
3 Stars
Taking Lives I ordered from pay-per-view. It was not a bad movie, but not the best. It is about an FBI agent called to a city where a serial killer is on the loose. The movie runs at a nice pace, and it tells the story well, but it just seemed too predictable, and too obvious. One good part is the ending, which has a special twist.

Fifth Movie: , Fahrenheit 9/11
4 Stars
Well, this movie, I seen when it was released in theaters. And let me just say I went through hell to see it. When I saw it, I was dumbfounded and absolutely shocked. I mean, I already hated the Bush Administration, so this just added fuel to the fire. But we won�t discuss politics like I promised, so just go rent it for yourself.

Sixth Movie: The Girl Next Door
3 � Stars
Well, this movie was a very funny and entertaining high school movie. It is about a senior in high school that is working towards a career in politics and is headed to college. His focus all through school has been totally on school and going to college. But in his senior year he wants to do more exciting things. And then the girl next door moves in, and he falls in love with her. She turns out to be a Porn Star. The movie is very funny, and different from all the teen movies that are out there, so I really enjoyed it.

Seventh Movie: 13 Going on 30
4 Stars
Call me cheesy, but I think this is one of the best morality movies to come out in a while. It�s about a girl that wants to grow up too fast and on her 13th birthday she wishes that she is 30 and then gets her wish. She is forced to learn the true value of life, by losing everything she ever wanted. I loved it, and so did my 3 year old daughter, so it couldn�t have been too bad.

Eighth Movie: The Prince and Me
3 � Stars
Okay, so maybe I have a little thing for cheesy love stories. But I can�t always be watching some suspense thriller or a movie with a deep meaning right? I rented this because I love Julia Stiles, and the guy is freaking cute. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and an accent. All three are my weaknesses in men! The story is about a girl that is career focused in college and a Prince from Denmark that decides to go to college at her college. They meet, fall in love, and sort of live happily ever after. The only thing I didn�t care for was the length, it was freaking long, and I didn�t care much for the ending.

Last Movie: Jersey Girl
4 Stars
I can�t understand why everyone hated this movie. It is a really good movie. It�s a Kevin Smith movie, Ben Affleck is in it, George Carlin is in it, and J.Lo dies! How much more can you ask for? Believe it or not, it�s not a cheesy love story. It�s about a guy who is this top dog for a PR firm, gets married, has a baby, and the mother (J. Lo) dies, thank God! Anyway, the father must decide between his daughter and the great life in the city that he loved so much. The movie has a great message it in. And I really liked it, plus it made me cry. I don�t give a damn what anybody else thinks!

Kailee�s Movie: Care Bears: Journey to Joke-A-Lot
5 Stars
Well, I rented this for my Kailee, and I give it 5 stars because it kept her attention for the entire time. Also, she wanted to watch it over and over all freaking day! So, I think the movie deserves 5 stars for keeping a 3 year old�s attention.

Okay, so finally, those are the movies that I have watched in the past three days. I think my brain is fried. But even after watching all those movies, I still do not feel any better. I only feel better about where I am in my life. And that is absolutely due to me watching Jersey Girl believe it or not. The point of the movie is that what a person was before they had a child doesn�t matter. Now they have a kid, and they must care for that kid and make decisions that would be best for the kid, and not always the parent. And, seeing the father choose his kid over the lifestyles that he once had and that he missed and love, made me decide that I need to get over my life that I once had when I was bartender. Even though I had Kailee when I was working that job, I need to realize that I don�t have that life anymore. I am a wife and a mother, and I just need to stop wishing I could go back to that, and start living in the present life that I have now.

Oh my fucking God! I have the T.V. on CNN and I just heard that Christopher Reeves just died. What the fuck? That is so sad. They said he was doing so well and hopeful and what not. That really sucks ass. Especially since Kerry mentioned him in the debate the other night in reference to those that can benefit from Stem Cell research. That is fucking awful.

Okay, even though I still don�t feel any better, I at least got some things off of my chest. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, who fucking knows. All I can do is sleep tonight and hope for a better tomorrow.

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