Happy Halloween

Well I think I am finally starting to feel better. I am not as depressed as I was when I wrote my last entry. I have been having some problems though.

I can't sleep, probably due to the depression.

My computer crashed last night, and I had to restore the whole thing. And I lost all my music, writing, school work, and the book I have been writing!

I found out yesterday that a man, that I have known all of my life and is like a grandfather to me is dying. He has cancer in the liver and pancreas (sp?) and they have given him only 3-6 months to live.

Kailee is driving me crazy.

I am bored out of my mind!

Other than those few things, I am doing much better. Doesn't seem like it, but I actually feel like I have reason to live now. I don't listen to music and cry, and I don't watch sappy love movies and cry. So, I would say that is improvement.

Last night my mother told me about this chat room service for victoms of abuse, drug addicts, alcoholics, and many other things. She told me that it might help me to talk with and listen to many people that are going through the same things. So, I decided only because she asked me to, to go and check it out.

I used my screename - thirdeye7601 - which is my screename for almost everything. When I got in there nobody spoke to me except for the host. The host asked me to change my screename and would not tell me why. That really upset me. Then when I re-entered I was told to never use that name again or I would be booted like I had been 2 months ago. So, I said that it was my very first time ever entering the damn chat room, and with the way things were going I was coming back. Then everyone apologized to me. I was like what the fuck? I mean, I was really pissed. I asked what the deal was, and they told me that "thirdeye" could trigger pain for someone. Now, I understand that some people have issues with things, like one person I know got raped at the mall by a "Mall Santa", and so she doesn't like to hear of them or see them, or anything. But "thirdeye" what is wrong with that? The name stands for something I believe in...and that is to open your mind, and start thinking for yourself. So, I changed my screename to "Starla" and thank God nobody had a problem with that. But people were still very rude to me. Only one girl actually talked to me. And when I started to talk about my problems, they did not seem to care. But they were comforting others that were talking about thier feelings. So I decided to shut up and just watch the chat. I noticed that people would not spell out certain words like: bad, girlfriend, mother, drunk, alcohol, bad, sad, angry, father, boyfriend...and this, was strange to me. They said that certain words can trigger a bad memory or something. But those words are things, people, and emotions. And if you expect to get over those times in your life, then you need to be able to actually USE those words. I mean, I'm a compulsive eater, so does that mean people around me should not talk about EATING? I don't think so. I think it is just fine to say things like that around me, it makes me realize what is wrong, and admitting my problem, and my fears, is supposed to be the first step to healing, right? So, I think these support chats are stupid really, and now espcially since I had to not use certain words, change my screename, and everybody was rude to me. I don't think I will return. I think my healing comes from writing. After I write a journal entry about what is bothering me, then I read it, I start to feel better soon, because I am actually able to identify what is bothering me so badly. Yes, it does help to have someone to talk to, and I do have that. So, I think that I will go into these chat rooms just one more time to satisfy my mother, but after that, I don't know???

So earlier I mentioned that I was writing a book and yes I am. But I lost the entire thing when my computer crashed. Thank GOD I had been posting each chapter in a "book journal"! RIGHT! If you are interested in my story journal, click HERE to go to my story. The address is starla7601.diaryland.com. It doesn't have a title yet and it is still a work in progress. I have only written as many chapters that have been posted, and I need to edit and revise those chapters. But it is sitll in working order and you might enjoy the read!

So, I guess that is all for today, I'm gonna head to smoke and watch some T.V.! Yay what fun?!?! Toodles

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