HAPPY HALLOWEEN

In my last entry, I said that things were getting better. Now they are back down again.

I am bored, I am always tired, I am restless, I want to sleep all the damn time, and nothing absolutely nothing makes me happy. What is wrong with me?

Yesterday (Tuesday Night/Early Wednesday Morning) I was up until about 3:00 AM. I started to feel this horrible migraine coming so I decided to go on to sleep. Going to bed at that time guaranteed me that I would be up by 10:00 AM and I could actually get some things accomplished around here. Well, I was actually fast asleep by 4:00 AM and my husband calls at around 4:05. I was so mad. Usually when he calls and I�m sleeping it�s in the afternoon, or late morning, and he�s like get up so we can talk. I usually don�t argue with him then b/c I actually should not be in bed. But when he called he was telling me to get the hell up and I was so mad because I was actually supposed to be sleeping! HAHA! So anyway, after I arose, he started talking and I went to smoke.

See, he is in Vegas, on a Temporary Duty Assignment, and he�ll be gone till the end of the month. One of my close friends is down there with him. He�s been hanging out with her and others. So, last night after they had gotten off of work, her and him were gonna chill in his hotel room for a while when another guy from her shop asked them if they wanted to go out. Neither my husband nor my friend was really up to going out, but they both said yea. They left and everyone was to meet downstairs. When my hubby got down there to meet them, he says that they were both acting weird. Then the other guy said that everyone decided not to go out and said sorry and they could catch up later on in the week. So, he said that my friend Sandi was acting weird and wouldn�t speak to him. So he left then came and called me. He was thinking that they blew him off, and he was pissed because she just couldn�t be honest and say that they were gonna do their own thing. Now, this weekend, Sandi�s husband is gonna drive down there to meet them, and I�m keeping their baby boy. No big deal, I can use the money, and it will be fun. So, my husband is now telling me that he doesn�t want me to keep their baby, because he thinks she was being shady with him. Whatever, what the fuck am I supposed to do? That puts me in a real hard position. I hung up with him, and called Sandi to see what was really up because I know her and she is not like that. She was asleep! That�s right people; she was in her room, and fast asleep. I felt so bad for waking her up over stupid shit. I immediately called Tommy back and told him, and he felt bad I think. So, thank God I got that settled.

So, anyway, this weekend I was supposed to be going to Vegas too, but we won�t have the money, and it�s a long drive and bla bla bla. My husband said he really didn�t want me going alone. I was gonna drive down with Sandi�s husband, and then he told me that he really didn�t think we would have the money. I just figure that he didn�t want me coming. Doesn�t matter, I have found other things to do. But I�m still depressed I think. I�m hopeful that I can get better because this really really sucks. I hate this feeling. I want to feel better and I want to be happy and enjoying my break from my husband, but it�s not working. Also I have so many things that I want to do. I got new furniture, well not completely new, but it�s new to me, and I�m want to paint it to match the oriental theme I have going in my bedroom. Or will have once I get all of my d�cor up. And I have my Halloween D�cor out, and I really want to get all of that hung up. But I just can�t find the motivation. I sometimes just want to take all the drugs I can find in the house, and sleep for days and days. This feeling so fucking sucks.

OH! And on top of everything else going on, I missed the last presidential debate tonight because I forgot it was on! How fucked up is that. I feel like I have let down my readers. I feel that in some way, I am helping the people that read my journal, and they check here to see what I say about the damned debates, and I went and forgot they were on! Stupid me! So, life sucks for me. I really should get happy, because my life really isn�t that bad. Would be better if I had some food in my house other than canned veggies, not to mention the money to buy food! But, I guess I will just have to get over it.

Well, things will get better I hope. I hope I hope I hope. Tomorrow, or actually today, I will get the things done that I want to. I�m gonna make me a list, and so if tomorrow night when I write a new entry, I haven�t done those things, I�m gonna shoot myself! Just kidding, but I will know that I need to finish up my work! HA!

1. Clean the house!
2. Finish unpacking Clothes
3. Finish unpacking Kailee�s room
4. Organize Laundry Room
5. Organize closets
6. Hang Halloween D�cor

That should do it for one day. Those tasks will take me most of the day anyway.

I just hope and pray, if there is a God up there, to please help me start feeling better soon. There is this one song on the radio, don�t know the name of the song, and I have no clue who sings it. But the lyrics really hit hard with me. Kind of explain how I am feeling right now. It is a POP song, and I usually hate that sort of music, but there is no radio station here in Idaho that plays only rock, so sometimes I�m forced to listen to some POP. But even though I hate that type of music, when a song�s lyrics just stand out to me, I can�t help it! Here are the lyrics, and please if anyone knows the name of the song or who sings it, LET ME KNOW! HAHA!

I spread my wings and I learn how to fly, I�ll do what it takes till I touch the sky
I gotta make a wish, take a chance, and make a change.
Out of the darkness and into the sun, I�ll still remember the place I come from,
Gotta take a risk, take a chance, and break away.

That is all of the lyrics I can remember off of the top of my head. But the song really explains a lot of what I am feeling. I just want to get the hell out of here. Find something new in my life. Get away from the pain that I am suffering here. I swear it is no wonder this base has the highest suicide rate in the entire Air Force.

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