It's 1:16 AM and I should so be asleep right now. But I'm having trouble. I'm so sad. Something is terrifying me. It's this little annoying fear I have...

The other night, my husband tells me about this dream he has about our wonderful baby girl Kailee. He tells me he saw her as a grown woman. She was tall, still had blonde hair, and beautiful. And she didn't hate us! He told me that this meant we would at least get to see her grow up into a woman. Okay, well this got me freaked out for some reason.

Kailee is my world. She is the reason I get up in the morning. She is the sole reason I breathe. I love her to death. But this fear I have, this reoccurring nightmare I have of something happening to her is really getting to me.

I couple of years ago, Kailee was not even One year old yet, I had this aweful dream that somone broke into the apartment I was living in, put a knife to my throat and forced me to watch them take Kailee from her crib and out of my home. They then tied me to the railing at the top of the stairs and made me watch them drive away with her. Aweful. I woke up crying, and I woke her up and held her the rest of the night. My husband thought I was insane.

Since then there have been other dreams too. I won't go into detail. The most recent happened when my husband was away in Las Vegas for the military crap, and I was alone here. Kailee was of course sleeping with me because why not ya know? Daddy's gone so let's have a girl thing. Okay, well one night while he was away, I had this weird dream that someone took her from me again, only this time they hurt her in front of me. In my dream, I became very scary, and I hurt the person really bad for hurting my child. Normal of course, but freaked me out! So, since then, Kailee has slept in my bed EVERY NIGHT! I can't sleep good without her. I was worried sick about her when I went to Salt Lake. I was only gone for two nights, but I was worried sick, didn't get any sleep, and it was just incredably aweful.

So, I know it's normal to worry about your children's well being, and something happening to them, but is it really normal to worry about them to this degree? Where you can't sleep without them in your bed? Where you can't be away from them for long periods of time without almost having a panic attack? Where you won't let them out of your freaking arm's reach when you're out in public. Even at church! This morning we went to Church for Easter. When church was over I was talking to the ladies, and she walked away, and my mind starting racing. She walked towards the door, and I got a little bit more ansy. She started to open the door and I lunged across the pew towards her and grabbed her up and almost passed out. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I told the ladies I had to leave. I grabbed her by the hand and left. I got in the car and sat there just wondering what could have happened if she opened that door and ran towards the parking lot, a driver didn't see her and hit her. Why? WHY THESE SCARY THOUGHTS? I just don't understand why I can't live life without constantly being scared that something is going to happen to her?

I decided on the way home that I would write about it. Maybe my great readers with children would be able to give me advice on how to get over this aweful fear I have. I know it's normal to worry. But it can't be normal to worry this badly. I'm telling you people, if I can't feel her body against mine in the bed, I can't sleep.

I haven't told this to anyone. And Mom, please don't freak out and I"m sorry I didn't talk to you about it, I don't really wanna talk about it. I just wanna write about it and get over it. I don't ever wanna get over worrying about my baby. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I don't want to have anxiety attacks and panic attacks if she walk towards the front door of the Church building. I don't want to not be able to sleep if I can't hear her breathe.

So, I guess that's enough of that. I'm really just trying to get this out. I swear though, God as my witness, if anyone EVER hurt her, I'd kill them. End of story, PERIOD.

So, how was everyone's Easter! (okay I know really bad subject change, but what the hell!) I hope everyone enjoyed thier day. I sure did. I went to Church, got all dressed up, even Kailee, and boy was she so cute! I came home, cooked a nice fancy lunch for all our friends. AND, as I proposed, Randi and her husband did NOT go to Church with me this morning! HA! But, we all had a very relaxing day playing cards, listening to Music and watching Kailee hunt for eggs while trying to eat all the candy inside before I took them away. It was fun. And nice. I missed home of course, but at least we weren't alone. And Kailee was safe. HAHA, trying to lighten up my mood.

Well, I guess I'm about to pass out now. I'm so going to suffer for not going to bed four hours ago, but I'll get over it. By the way, I'm almost well. I actually felt decent today and not like I was dying. No gagging, throwing up, and the nose blowing was not near as bad as before, the sore throat relaxed a bit, and actually I made it through the day without a bunch of coughing. So, I see progress. Goodnight everyone.

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