I love my daughter. Have I mentioned that before? Well if not, then I will now, and if so, Then you will just have to listen to me mention it again. I LOVE HER. I love her so freaking much.

But I hate myself. I'm such a horrible mother and I know that in 20 years Kailee will be sitting a shrink's office, pissing money down the drain for the shrink to tell her that I was an insecure, immature, irresponsible little bitch when I was trying to raise her, and why will she do this? Because I'm an awful mother.

I am only about to be 23, and I really have been trying to be the best mother of the year, but you know how hard things get when you are constantly in the same room, 24/7 with your little girl, and you can't even go take a shit without her following you in the bathroom. And then when all you want to do is go to Walmart your husband, the kid's father, acts like it's outrageous that you have been gone for only one hour! What's the deal? I'm young, but I wanted this life for myself. I chose to keep my child. Not give her up for adoption, and raise her. I chose to get married to her father who is in the Air Force, I chose this KNOWING that we would move far away from our home place where there would be not a lot of opportunity for me. I chose to stay at home with her versus working so that I could raise her in her early years the right way, and feel confident about sending her to school where there will be kids that offer her drugs. But I know she will make the right decision becaus I stayed home with her in her early years and taught her the right decisions. But wait, that won't happen, because I'm an awful mother, a bitch really, I have no patience for the stuff that she does as a NORMAL 3 year old because I never get a break, or I watch other children for a living, or whatever the fucked up reason for me being so awful to her, that will cause her to go to a shrink when she's my age and piss her money down the drain to find out something that I could have told her for free, which is that Kailee, "Mommie really has no idea what she's doing."

What happened last night actually didn't seem so bad until early this morning.

Last night, Randi and her husband were over. Yes, to actually just hang out and be with us. We had dinner. Randi and I worked on fixing up my office, we had some dessert. A nice little Peppridge Farm box cake I bought from Wal-mart. It was so freaking good. I shared some with Kailee. She wanted more and more. I told her no, and put the cake in the fridge. Randi and I went off to do whatever. Randi walks by Kailee's room and sees the cake box laying on her bed. The sneaky little girl got the cake outta the fridge and took it to her room!

Now, we've had this problem before. In fact, earlier in the day her daddy got on to her for taking food to her room.

So I walk in there, and very nicely ask for the cake. She pulls it out of the corner behind her dresser. Smart little ass she is! I tell her this was wrong. She can NOT take cake to her room. She can NOT take any food to her room. (Now, brace yourself for the next part, I am an old school mother that believes in spanking (only sometimes) (only as a last resort) as a form of punishment (but honestly I hate spanking her, but sometimes I have to.) Anyway, so I tell her that she is getting a spanking for this, and I spank her little butt three times. She screams bloody murder because Mommie doesn't spank that often and if Mommie is spanking, Mommie must be really mad.

Randi, her husband, and my husband just watch this and are trying not to laugh. Not because she's in trouble, but because she took a cake to her room, and they think it's funny! Actually my husband was pretty upset about it, until I told him she hid the damn cake in the corner, and he thought that was funny!

So, I sit Kailee in the floor and I feed her the rest of the cake. There was only about half left, and it was a small cake to begin with. BUT I feed it all to her. I told her that if she wanted some cake, then by God she's getting cake. If she wanted it that bad, she's gonna eat the WHOLE DAMN THING! She ate almost all of it. Maybe one or two bites left. She gagged, and I made her stop. Randi said her mother did this to her once, and Randi's mother didn't take it easy on her. My Grandfather did this to me too with a box of candy. Made me eat the whole damn box, I puked needless to say. So, whatever, I did this to her.

She was crying the whole time. Mommie was hurting her feelings, her little lip was poking out that makes me just wanna hold in my arms for eternity. I hate it when I'm the one that makes her lip poke out. You know, the bottom lip, with the pout and the puppy dog eyes that make you wanna cry because it's so damn cute. But then you go crazy because it's so cute and you just wanna pinch thier little head off! Anyway, when she gagged, I couldn't take it anymore. I cleaned her up and told her to go to bed. She did, but she was crying, curled up in her little ball, with her head in her pillow, just balling. How sad?

She's so gonna need thearpy.

Anyway, so I cool off for a sec. I'm already almost in tears over this anyway. But trying not to really laugh a lot because it was funny and somewhat cute that she snuck a cake in her room and hid it in the corner.

But after calming down she's still not stopped crying. I can't let her fall asleep crying. So I go in there and lay with her and talk to her. I tell her that she can't do stuff like this. I tell her why and the Mommie thing about how I didn't mean to hurt her feelings bla bla bla. She looks me in the eye the whole time. She's so sad. Her little lip poking out, and I'm feeling like the worse mother in the world. I tell her goodnight and she goes to sleep.

Randi and I start back up on my office. I remember I have a pill. A nice little pink pill, and me being in need of relaxation, and needing relief for my pounding headache, I take it. I'm so totally high in like 20 minutes. I felt like I was floating. It was nice. No more headache.

Around like 4:00 AM we got to bed. Kailee comes in my room around 5:00 AM. Around 6:00 AM the husband leans up and goes "OH SHIT!" Grabs a towel and I look at Kailee and I sit her up. She's puking. She's puking white stuff, (the cake). I'm such an awful person. I'm so bad bad bad bad bad. I made her so sick. She threw up a little more and more. Then she curled up in my body and went back to sleep. Even after the cake thing, after puking because I forced her to eat a lot of cake, and after getting sick, she curled up IN MY BODY and went back to sleep. How wonderful is that?

She didn't know any better, or she forgave me. Or she didn't care because she was sick and we all want our Mommies when we're sick. Even I still do. But whatever the reason, she didn't care that I was the reason she was sick, and she curled up in my body and went back to sleep.

I held her, stroked her beautiful blonde hair, and just felt her breathe, smelled her body and took her in. All the while thinking, I'm such an awful mother.

This morning, she knows no different. She's fine. She's not throwing up anymore, and she's playing fine. Laying on the couch watching a movie with the Daddy.

But it will haunt me what I did forever. I made her sick. I didn't think straight and I did NOT remember she had stomach problems. She has a weak tummy. What is wrong with me? I'm an awful person. Awful mother, and my wonderful baby girl will pay a shrink thousands of dollars to tell her that in 20 years.

Ugh...

<< -- >>