I feel like updating my journal because I just have somethings on my mind.

Last night I made a picther of Iced Tea. I love Tea in all forms and I was so excited when it turned out so good. The gallon is almost gone and I just made it last night. During my sleep, I got up four times at least to go to the bathroom. I think maybe too much Tea huh?

Also last night my Mom called me at the end of the concert she was at. Bombshell Crush is the band and they are from Nashville, and my Mom and her boyfriend are pretty good friends with all the guys in the band. So she called me during thier last three songs. I did have some tears in my eyes, because I wanted to be there so badly and because it reminded me of being with my Mom. God being in Idaho sucks.

And also last night I had the weirdest dreams. Something about being on a train and smoking because Sudam Hussen was coming aboard and they wanted things to be "normal". Don't ask, I haven't a clue what the hell smoking on the train had to do with making things normal for Sudam. There was another dream about Kailee, she was talking to me like a grown person and I believe I was telling her no she couldn't go somewhere. And there was another dream about my Mom and her boyfriend. We had gone out and he was really fucking drunk. Weird because last night when I actually did talk to my Mom her boyfriend was actually drunk.

There are other things on my mind. I'm seriously considering this childcare thing. I'm wondering if I want to open back up and do this full time. I'd like to NOT do this, but I know my family needs the money. But if I didn't do childcare, then I could work full time on Mary Kay, but will that bring in the kind of income we need? I know that it can, and that it's possible to make a lot of money in this business, but I just don't know what I want to do. I think I'll do childcare for at least the summer. I know I will lose two of my full time kids in the fall when school starts, so I might just nix the whole idea and do part time care or something.

I'm also considering my finances and how long it would take me to save up the money for round trip tickets home. I'd love to go home for the fall. That would be really neat. But I hate to leave my husband that long. I know I am definately going home for Christmas this year for sure. But I am serious when I say that I don't want to be here, and no matter what I do to fill my time, I just can't seem to feel better.

Well I think that is all for now. I just don't know what to say, I have no motivation to do anything, and I hate everything around me. I just need to climb out of this hole I'm in. It's stupid, life will be fine and go on. Things will be better. I hope.

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