It's Monday...blah. It's my Birthday....blah. So far I've recieved a phone call from my Dad (he was the first to call me, SHOCK!), and the Mother-In-Law, which I didn't answer. I know that's mean, but I don't think she was calling for my Birthday, she's never done it in the past, and she called ass early. I'll return her call later.

So yea I mentioned my Dad up there didn't I? I don't talk about him much. I've never ever been close to him. Never been a Daddy's girl or anything. Mostly because half my life I didn't even know him. And then also because when I did know him and live with him he was an abusive alcoholic. I have mixed feelings about him.

Part of me really can't stand the man. He made my life hell when I was going through the roughest years of my life. When I could have used an understanding Father more than anything in the world, he didn't care. And after the worst 2 years of my life, he kicked me out of the house, not really caring what happened to me. He's always been the type of man that what he wants comes first. What he's interested in comes first, and his last intersest is his children. Of which he has 4. Myself, and my 3 younger sisters, ages 14, 12, and 10. In other words, we've never been a top priority to him, except for him to control.

When I told him I was pregnant with Kailee (which was out of wedlock and I was only 18), his response to me was "you are my punishment for the things I did wrong in my life".

I probably never got over that statement. Though he did apologize. People wonder why I even subject myself to being in his life. 2 reasons. Because of my sisters and my Step-mom. I love all of them to death, and really couldn't have my life without them.

But the last couple of years, my Father has tried to turn the table for him and me. He tries to have real talks with me, and he loves my daughter to death. And I find myself actually missing him at times, and getting excited to see him when we go home. However, if I stay too long, the feelings wear off, and I can't wait to get away from him. Haha.

But in all seriousness, I have all kinds of mixed emotions about this. When I told him I was having a boy, he sounded so proud. I was giving him the first boy of the family, and I think that makes him extremely happy. He talked my ear off for almost an hour about it. And then today. My Birthday, he's the first to call. TRIPPED ME OUT HONESTLY! Last year, he didn't call till late at night, and I think it was because my Mom called him and ripped him a new one. It's ok because I usually only talk to my Dad three times a year, when I'm not at home visiting. His Birthday, My Birthday, and Father's Day. This year I've actually talked him twice as much as usual, 6-8 times!!

I just wonder if it's too late in my life to develope that Daddy-Daughter bond? Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the hardships he's caused me in my life. I've come to love him, and I've forgiven him, but that's as far as I can go.

Anyhow, what a gloomy subject to talk about on my Birthday right?! Ah well, doesn't matter. A Birthday is just a Birthday. I'm not really upset about getting older. I don't think I'm old either. I just wonder where all the time went?!!!! Time is going by so fast. My life is flashing before my eyes, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's just a little scary don't ya think?

Anyhow, I guess I'm off to shower and head to the grocery store. I'm gonna bake my own Birthday cake! HAHAHAHA! Don't feel bad for me though, I make awesome cake, and I'd much rather have that than a cake bought from a store. YUMMY!

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